High speed fail

The routes of high-speed rail links to cities in the north of England have now been announced.

The 32 billion pound project will create 100,000 jobs, partly because of the thousands of additional bailiffs that will be needed to evict those that are living on the route. 

On the positive side was news that the Chancellor has managed to drastically cut the building costs with one bold move.

”We’re only building one set of tracks.  Those going north,” he said smugly, “thus avoiding 50% of the infrastructure expenses.” 

That won’t help northerners who want to travel south?
”Yes, it’s what us folk in the political biz call a win-win situation.”

But your own constituency, Tatton, is in the north.
”Is it?”

Yes, and what if you want to visit it?
”If that ever happens I will be forced to take the plane.”

First Class?
”Thank you, I thought so too.”


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Doing inuendo

Here at the Open Wound we’re not afraid of euphemism, double-entendre and innuendo. 
You may occasionally spot us slipping one in.

Like that.

But making the News this week is Dr Terence Kealey a lecturer from the University of Buckingham, who has no time for ambiguity and suggestion; he comes right out and says it how it is: 

“Most male lecturers know that, most years, there will be a girl in class who flashes her admiration and who asks for advice on her essays.

What to do? Enjoy her! She’s a perk.”

 Having distanced himself from every female student he has ever met and ensured a drastic fall in undergraduate applications, he now starts to demolish his marital relationship:

 “The student will flaunt you her curves, which you should admire daily to spice up your sex, nightly, with the wife.”

 Firstly, I don’t believe he is getting anything nightly other than troubled sleep.
Secondly he has now told his wife that he’s busy thinking about young curvy students when he’s getting his old spice at home.

 Bravely, Dr Kealey moves his life to Defcon One by including his university colleagues in his confession:
Dr Kealey recalled the days when sex between student and tutor, in return for academic favours, could go by unchecked.

“Thanks to the accountability imposed by the Quality Assurance and other intrusive bodies, the days are gone when a scholar could trade sex for upgrades.”

 The National Union of Students condemned the comments as insulting and disrespectful to women.

“Our members won’t be handled this way.  It might make it hard for us but we will have to suck it up and swallow the consequences.  We won’t just bend over backwards, roll over and take it.”

 “That’s what She said,” chortled Dr Kealey.

 Ok, so maybe he likes a little bit (of innuendo, we mean)


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Police Don’t Stand So Close To Me

The number of complaints about homophobia within the police has risen by almost a quarter, according to the Gay Police Association (GPA).

The GPA said it was aware of colleagues refusing to serve with gay officers and quoting sections of the Bible at them on parade grounds.

Our reporter hurried to the GPA Headquarters in Dublin.
“You’re the GPA spokesman, tell me why your members are feeling victimized.”

“Uh.. I don’t think they are.”
“They don’t feel that they are being singled out for being gay?”

“No, I think they’re proud that in a cynical world they can go about their business in a carefree and happy manner.”
“Go about their business?”

“Yes, there’s nothing finer than watching thirty strapping young men engaged in an activity they have a mutual love for.  The slap of a hand on a ball. The thrill of slotting one between the posts.”
“Slotting one between the posts?”

“Yes, the thought of it brings a tear to my eye.”
“Me too.”

“Pride in the game is the reason I joined the Gaelic Players Association.”
“Gay Lick Player?”
“Yes, you idiot, Gaelic Football!  What did you think I was talking about, and who do you think I am?”

“I thought you were a homosexual, English policeman.”

Unfortunately, our roving reporter will be out of action for several weeks whilst he recovers from his injuries.


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Strange but untrue

UFO sightings jumped by 40% in 2007, with 135 strange objects spotted in the skies of the UK.  The Ministry of Defence has released the file as part of its plan to open its archives on UFO research and sightings. “Many of the sightings were reported by the same source,” said an MI5 X-Files nerd.  “A Mrs Slowtrough from Swindon is responsible for 54 of them.”

Our reporter rushed to her address.

“Well, it all started about six months ago,” said Mrs Slowtrough, “when these flying saucers started appearing above the house, accompanied by loud banging noises.  Even more alarming is that some of them just explode for no apparent reason!”

“She’s completely batty,” said her neighbour, Colonel Balustrade, “I just hope she doesn’t upset the people who use my land.  I’ve only just got the Clay Pigeon Shooting Society to agree to pay for another six months.”

X-File closed.

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Investigators found no wrong doing at Bulgaria’s national lottery after the same winning numbers were picked in two consecutive draws.

Sport Minister Svilen Neikov ordered the probe Wednesday after the numbers 4, 15, 23, 24, 35 and 42 were selected by a machine — in a different order — on consecutive draws televised live on Sept. 6 and Sept. 10.

“The likelyhood of those numbers coming up was the same as any other six numbers,” said Neikov’s assistant, Derrenx Brownov, speaking from his luxury apartment in St Lucia.  “I am very good friends with the technicians who run the lottery machinery, many of them have holiday homes here like me.  I don’t believe they would cheat by having a secondary compartment in the machine with just six balls in it, or anything like that.”

“Yes, Derrenx Brownov does hang around back stage with the engineers,” admitted producer Splitz Crene “but I don’t think he has ever handled their balls.  That’s just rumour.  He is a good honest man…good honest…….look into my eyes…look into my eyes.”

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Utter Bankers

You know that advert where the three guys in suits work for a bank and the two ‘jerk’ guys are always plotting hugely wasteful marketing schemes in order to stitch up their customers?  They book themselves conferences abroad, punt down ‘The Backs’ at Cambridge and spend time in a Health Spa.

Yeah, you know the one, the third guy is younger and he’s always embarrassed by the immorality of their schemes.  I’ve just remembered, his name’s ‘Will’.  One of the jerk guys always says;”Yeah, Will!” to put him in his place.

Now, in the recesses of your mind, in your brain’s susceptible marketing centre, which bank do you associate with those three?

NatWest, yeah?  Yeah, me too.  I think those three jerk guys work for NatWest, which is actually the bank the advert is on behalf of.

So that  hasn’t quite worked out.

Same with the chubby fool in the blue suit who upsets people in the Building Society.  That’s Nationwide isn’t it?  Well no, it’s supposed to be one of their competitors, but every time I walk passed our local Nationwide I wonder why they bother to employ somebody like that.

The same feeling the banks must get when they meet their expensive advertising executives.

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